FORGIVE ME INTERNET FOR I HAVE SINNED................

I am mostly guilty of the sin of SLOTH. It has been over 5 years since my last post which if I'm honest is both surprising and disappointing. I have been residing in the 'Where are they now?' file. Well I am - like what Baby got in Sir Mixalot's classic - "Back". And this time I won't be leaving it quite as long between now and the next one. Famous last words.

I have also been guilty of LUST. Three kids worth of it. In fact doing the maths I have worked out that only a month or two after my last post was when Florence was conceived. This I believe contributed greatly to my Blog-sloth as any woman who has ever been pregnant, and any man who has been with a pregnant woman knows, there are plenty of better - better is probably not the right word - plenty of "other", more important things to be doing that are not writing blogs, or generally having any fun.

This is the current state of affairs in the Bayley household with a dog and a cat thrown in for good measure - they took the photo so couldn't be in it. I am amazed that such good looking children could have been produced from my genes. Flo is Little Miss Photogenic, Baz is already throwing out rapper signals and we have already enrolled Eliza at our local Shaolin Temple. PRIDE.

ENVY and GREED often go hand in hand and for me I was envious of both the bosses of the company I was working for - bleeding their employees (that's me that is) to the bone for little monetary recompense - and all those people living in big ass houses while we were living in a granny style bungalow.

So I started a company with Tristan (the other guy from the Cregagh Glen post) called Treeple - The Tree People, and we have been going well for over four years now. We also extended the shit out of our bungalow, giving us loads more living space and comfort, and on the whole making home life more enjoyable. Thanks to the in-laws for putting us up for eight months while the building works were going on, just after Baz had been born and we were trying to get Flo out of nappies - perfect timing.

The rest of my time has mostly been spent indulging in my favourite of the sins - GLUTTONY, and plenty of it. During these five years I have probably eaten an entire one of these dexter cows from the father in law's herd.

We also decided to raise a couple of pigs - Rodney and Del Boy (Trotter) - so we would have large amounts of free-range, non-abused pork and I had big ideas about home smoking meats and making great sausages and bacon and other yummies. Sloth had something to say about that and although we didn't get all that, we did get two pigs worth of delicious pork to put in the industrial chest freezer Laura managed to get through Gumtree.

Unfortunately one day when Laura was showing the progress of the building work to her Godfather, they noticed a bad smell. Upon further investigation it became apparent that one of the builders had managed to unplug the freezer, many days before, and everything had gone rancid. Laura came back to tell us the good news and your's truly was duly dispatched to deal with the mess. We burned all of the rotten meat and other ruined foodstuffs and I spent a retch-filled hour or so cleaning out and disinfecting the freezer, which I then left in our yard to drain and dry out. The next day another of the builders got to work, saw the freezer outside and decided to assume (and we all know what to assume does to you and me) that we must want to get rid of it. So he picked it up with a digger and smashed it into a skip, thus topping off a particularly disgusting cake with a ridiculously annoying cherry and in so doing inciting the seventh and final of the cardinal sins - WRATH.

Tune in next week for the next instalment - 'How I have been a Saint instead of a Sinner'. Come to think of it, we may well be waiting even longer than we did for this one if I go ahead with that as a topic.